the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
You Might Also Like
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause