the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
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‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”