@J0hnnyBlaze: The word "beard" comes from an old Latin phrase meaning "sit on my face"
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@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?" *20 minutes later* Me: "No."
@WheelTod: [Stick Insects Anonymous] Group Leader: "There's no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant."
@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that size shouldn't matter so she went out shopping and bought my "boys room" a new 4 inch TV.