The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
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I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I just ran a .003048K
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.