@J0hnnyBlaze: The word "beard" comes from an old Latin phrase meaning "sit on my face"
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@TheOneTrueDisco: If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn't at work.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I'm way tougher than you. Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural. Me: So? Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
@cowyfwame: I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
@rockymomax: [dinner] DAD: let's roast this bird ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born DAD: haha nice