The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
You Might Also Like
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
She puts the hot in psychotic
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
This came to me in a dream.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.