The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
You Might Also Like
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing