The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day