The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
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{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I think I’m having a stroke
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis