My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
All generalizations are stupid.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Sign at work today
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
We’ve all been there
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.