If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.