The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
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F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Sticker placement is key.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Canada has crack?
this is 10/10 content no notes
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?