The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
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Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?