The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
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Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911