The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
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“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.