@living_marble: The world is my oyster. Expensive and gross.
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@JohnLyonTweets: [nearing end of first date] Me: I'll give you a call later, OK? Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
@Dmvm1977: Whenever I'm feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits. Today I'm writing my bosses obituary.
@ScobeyWanKenobi: Just once I'd like to yell, "Don't you know who I am?!" because I'm important, not because I'm drunk and actually forgot.