cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
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Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever