@badbanana: The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
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@JesKeepSwimming: "So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT." - What not to say on a first date.
@djdarrellripley: Her: I've heard a lot about your lovemaking. Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing. Her: That's what I heard...
@Donna_McCoy: Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories. Me: Let me see it... *eats half and hands it back* ...wish granted.
@amydillon: When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?