@badbanana: The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
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@mattZillaaaa: [1st date] You're gonna love this place *pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
@markedly: HER: I've never known someone to google things during sex ME: we learned a lot though HER: you screamed "ostriches are faster than horses"
@SteveSackington: I'm not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
@KKAlThani: "Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?" "Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first...filter."