The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
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Close call…
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion