The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
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To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Hank is one in a melon.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.