The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
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I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Spring of Deception
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?