Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
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Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Yup
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”