@samalmightysam: The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AndyAsAdjective: [break room] coworker: what's for lunch? me: [eating] food, generally cw: no, I mean what are you having? me: an unwanted conversation
@jwoodham: Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
@FinallyHeSleeps: The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
@somecleverthing: I just had the thought "pfft. Your father can't die before you are born," and I believed it for a full minute. Because I'm smert.