@samalmightysam: The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.
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@msdanifernandez: [during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]
@koalaslament: I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
@ElleAys: My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I'm fearful of her college days.