My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
When you kidnap a writer.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”