as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…