The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
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Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not