The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
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My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
being a writer on Twitter:
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
twitter users today:
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played