The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
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Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.