@SweetTweetsBRO: The worst feeling ever is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are alcohol.
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@trumpetcake: People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]
@TheToddWilliams: [interview] BOSS: So I see you majored in communication? ME: No…miscommunication BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication ME: See?