Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs