My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
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Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband: