The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.