The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
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Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.