Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
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Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Good point.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
They’re the worst 😩
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing