@mzeld: The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.
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@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I really like a man who notices things. ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
@Six_Pack_Mom: Husband: "You should try going to bed earlier." Me: "You should take the 3yo to work with you." Him: "I'd get nothing done." Me: "EXACTLY."
@SteveSuckington: My doctor had a plate of McDonalds food that was a year old to show people that it never rots. The burger was dry but the fries were decent.
@birbigs: "You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?" -Jesus