Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
You Might Also Like
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…