The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
never compromise your values
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult