@TheBoydP: The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That's when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake...
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@iwearaonesie: mother-in-law (on FB): I'm tired of everyone being so condesending *wife tackles me before I can write "you spelled 'condescending' wrong"*
@Brampersandon_: ADELE: hello from the outside ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
@RoosterMustache: WIFE: omg the FBI ME: thats just female body inspectors W: why are they here M: probably all those female bodies we buried W: o yah lol
@ramblinma: Husband: "How do the kids keep getting sick?" Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] "No idea."