The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
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Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: