The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”