the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
#Caturday