@theveganqueen: the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
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@QwertyJones3: You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
@djdarrellripley: Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex... Sounds like a fun night!
@steveolivas: If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
@JohnLyonTweets: [heaven] Abraham Lincoln: If only I'd stayed in that night instead of going to that show. Batman's parents: Same.