the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
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do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?