@robfee: The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I'm dressed as half of a horse.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
@ieatanddrink: I didn't post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I've already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials
@shashaintl: 10's homework question: "Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?" His answer: "My mom."
@joejwest: LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list] bread milk cheese eggs vengeance [he stops writing, frowns] v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶ grapes