The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
You Might Also Like
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Discuss
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?