@rmfnord: The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
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@weinerdog4life: Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I'm allowed to do this, the judge is crying
@bingowings14: Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
@UNTRESOR: Homeless Yelp Review: Dumpster behind grocery on Calhoun & Fairfax BARELY had any rotting fruit. Owner chased me off with a bat. 0 stars.
@SortaBad: Me: hi :) Woman at bar: it's loud in here, I'm sorry, did you just say "colon closed parentheses" ???