The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
wtf management?!
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows