@UncleDuke1969: The worst part about "Friends" being canceled is that I've now been stuck with Rachel's last haircut since 2004.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it] "I'm sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?"
@ArfMeasures: [court] ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex JUDGE: Who are you? You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record
@GuyEndoreKaiser: Do you have any motivational books? Yeah, they're in the back. (long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
@StevieKnip: PSA: If you're about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now 'above the law' & literally can't get in trouble ever