@caseytduncan: The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
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@Rollinintheseat: If a British person calls 911 and says, "It's a bloody mess" how does the operator know if there's blood or the person is just being British
@Sickayduh: "Your name is Duck?" It's Doug. "Yeah. Duck" Doug. "Duck?" DouGGG "Got it. Duck" Go fuGG yourself "Haha. Classic Duck"
@stephenjmolloy: [Pilot intercom] Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."
@chrisdowning: Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom