The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
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“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”