The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
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Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Message from the dog groomers
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
And bowling should be called pinball
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.