Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
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we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
accurate
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]