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ForrestGump
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ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
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[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
an octopus is just a wet spider
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint