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Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
this is the greatest thing ever
Marvelâs new superhero sounds pretty shit đđđ
[on a first date]
Her: I donât like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: okâŚI totally respect your feelings & you sound genuineâŚbut that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Itâs wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Just said to my dog âexcuse me, no, we donât eat masking tape do we?â I donât know why I said âweâ. Obviously I donât eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like weâre in this decision together.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know theyâd all have a job.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I guess I shouldnât have had 3 cookies… Now, Iâm being judged.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.