The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
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i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise