The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.