@TheMichaelRock: The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.
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@MichaelTrying: Dear Evolution, It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
@stephenjmolloy: Security: Animals aren't allowed in this art gallery, sir. Me: It's my guide dog. Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter...
@tastefactory: "What're you in for?" "I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother."