The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
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My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I have a type: disappointing
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice