The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
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When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
SF is the wild wild west man
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself