* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
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I’d love this…lol
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.