I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
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Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
North and South
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!