@markleggett: The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.
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@okayestgoalie76: Me: "Siri, find me the nearest Starbucks" Siri: "the addiction hotline is..." Me: "no, I said...." Siri: "Oh, I heard you!"
@briancthayer: *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don't think "flipping the bird" means what you think it means.
@WilliamAder: Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month? Me: The package said "Take on an empty stomach" so, not yet.